Vazquez Counseling

There are many misconceptions about marriage, some of them very harmful, not only to married couples, but to society as a whole. As I’ve stated before in a previous blog, the Holy Scriptures are the blueprint for life, given to us by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, so we should always look to them for solutions to problems in life. Marriage and Family are very important topics addressed in the Bible, and they deserve our attention, if we are to have healthy relationships in our lives. In Ephesians 5:15-33, the Word of God says the following, as it relates to marriage:

“See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not be drunk with wine, in which is dissipation; but be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord, giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another in the fear of God.

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” (New King James Version)

This passage is one of the most misunderstood and misapplied portions of Scriptures in the entire Bible. It has been used for centuries by Christians and non-Christians alike to denigrate women. As always, we need to read the Bible in context. Often, passages in Scripture help explain other passages. The Bible has one uniform message (it really focuses on our LORD and Savior Jesus Christ, from Genesis to Revelation). I have often said that the Holy Bible has one, correct interpretation, and it is the sacred duty of every Christian to find and understand that true meaning. It is dangerous to sit in any church, under any pastor or church leader, and only trust what that church says about the Word of God. We need to read and understand what the Bible says for ourselves. If we don’t understand what a passage in the Bible means, first, we need to pray that the Holy Spirit would guide us in understanding it. Second, there have been many theologians down through history who have studied the Scriptures a lot more than most of us ever will. It is okay to seek out good, solid, and trustworthy commentaries on the Scriptures, written by men and women who have been called by God to do so. I have been blessed to find three theologians that I trust, men who have studied the Bible thoroughly. They are Pastor John MacArthur, Pastor R.C. Sproul, and Pastor Alistair Begg. Pastor MacArthur and Pastor Sproul are in Heaven now, but they both left a treasure trove of Biblical resources for us to study and enjoy. All three of these Pastors have studied the Scriptures extensively, and they have explained them in very clear ways. While I recommend finding good theologians who have studied the Word of God well, nothing beats studying it for yourself. Besides, the only way you can know if any pastor or theologian knows what he is talking about is if you read and study the Scriptures yourself.

Getting back to the passage from Ephesians 5 above, go back and read it very carefully. The first thing I want to point out is that we have to understand this passage based on the context of the whole counsel of God. That being said, there are many things in this passage that are controversial for non-believers and even many Christians. I must point out that when Paul the Apostle talks about being subject to one another, he is talking about the order that things should be. I wrote in an earlier blog about living in an orderly way. We understand that chaos is the lack of order; therefore, ignoring Paul’s admonitions in this passage will certainly bring chaos to your life, as well as its cousins, anxiety (a lack of peace) and/or depression (a lack of joy). If you don’t believe me, study the effects of divorce or broken relationships on people. Many people are suffering with severe anxiety or severe depression because their marriages are broken; their lives are ultimately chaotic due to their marital problems.

I want to first point out something in the passage above that people often miss. In Ephesians 5:21, the Apostle Paul exhorts us to submit to one another in the fear of God. This literally means that because we love, trust, and honor our Creator God, we need to submit to each other in love, trust, and honor.

In the very next verse, Ephesians 5:22, Paul teaches that Wives should submit to their own Husband, as to the LORD, I submit to you that these verses absolutely go together, but many people miss verse 21 and run with verse 22. Paul is teaching in verse 21 that both Husbands and Wives should submit to each other. There is no other way for a true Christian marriage to work. You can’t have one partner in a marriage relationship lording it over the other. It won’t work, and the thousands of divorces, not only in the world, but in the Church, prove this Biblical Truth.

So, why does Paul teach that Wives should submit to their own Husbands? He is simply teaching about the order of things. We talked about how our Blessed LORD expects us to live orderly lives. God is a God of order, not of chaos. There is order in nature; there is order in the sciences; there is order in government. Why not in marriage?

Paul goes on to explain that the Husband is the head of the household. I must pause here and explain something. Paul is speaking to Christians. We should all understand that our LORD does not hold people who don’t trust or believe in him to the same standard as believers. Again, that would be chaotic. Our LORD expects Christians to live according to His Blessed Word. And that means we should live according to the order that He has established in His Scriptures, not only in this passage but throughout the entirety of the Holy Bible. If we trust in God as Christians, then we should trust in His Word. It’s not even an option not to.

Many Christian men have used Ephesians 5:22 against their Wives. Some men in the Church believe that a Wife is beneath them, that she should always do what he says, and that she should be subject to him, no matter what. For those men, I want to draw their attention to Ephesians 5:25, where Paul exhorts us men to love our wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her. For me that’s a very tall order. That means that I need to love my Wife sacrificially, and what that ultimately means is that I need to be willing to die for her. Of course, God doesn’t want men to give their lives for their Wives, like Christ did for the Church, but we need to love them like Christ loves us. That means, men, if you have to, you take a bullet for your Wife. It means, men, that we have to die to ourselves, so we can love our Wife and our children, who by extension, need to be sacrificially loved as well.

I can honestly say that I have known atheists who practice this way of loving their Wives and children better than some Christian men do. As I said before, Paul is not talking to non-believers here. He is exhorting men and women in the Church to love and serve each other in their marriages. If an atheist practices these things, then more power to them. They still need to place their faith and trust in Jesus Christ to be saved. Nevertheless, it is a healthy way to relate to their spouse, regardless of their unbelief.

The last thing I want to point out about this passage in Ephesians 5 is what Paul says in verse 32, where he says that he is actually talking about the great mystery that Christian marriages are supposed to be the image of the relationship between Christ and His Church. If you have ever read the Old Testament, it is clear the God the Father considered Israel to be His betrothed. There are many passages in the Old Testament when our LORD called out the Nation of Israel for their adultery, namely, their worship of other gods. Just like God the Father had a Bride in Israel, our LORD Jesus has a Bride in His Church. Paul calls it a great mystery because we will not know fully what these things mean until we get to Heaven. Suffice it to say, our Blessed LORD has an extremely high view of marriage, so anything that denigrates marriage is an abomination to Him.

Everything in this passage is a tall order, both for Husbands and for Wives. However, as I’ve said before, the Bible is the Holy Blueprint for life, and it will help you to have a healthy marriage that will bring you the lasting peace of God, as well as bring you His abiding joy.